Okay so recently I have been in this rut in all three areas (mentally, physically, and emotionally).
So now as I type here I am going to go out of my comfort zone. Today at 4pm I am going to go to an aerial class that will be going on for four weeks every Sunday. If the events on Saturday dont go well, I will sign up for one therapy session. I also signed up for a four week pole class starting on april fourth.
I am both scared and excited to be trying these things, I also realized through this relapse that my feelings are vaild. It took me eighteen years to realize that what I am feeling right now is actually good. It’s just when I feel it constantly and it has overtook my life is when it gets bad.
I get so stuck within my head that I just expect people to get what happened and all of that. It’s terrible when you want to tell someone something but not actually wanting to say any of it.
I will also be uploading a new video, whether on my vlog channel or my main every tuesday. So keep an eye out for that on my social media.
As for my blog I will continue to do book reviews, Self care Sundays, and my photo blog will start up again next week. These past few weeks have been very bad and saturday may be my breaking point. But on the bright side…I honestly can’t think of anything right now other than I might get to see my friends tomorrow. I’m under some pressure by my parents saturday but what’s new there. I paid for my classes already and there’s no going back. I really need to sleep. Yeah, thank you so much for sticking with me!
So one of the classes I am taking this semester is improv for non majors, man does that class get me out of my comfort zone every morning. We start with getting our blood pressure up, like warming up before practice or a game. Walking around, stretching, sitting up straight, it feels weird to me. We also do these exercises where we get up in front of the whole class and walk or something. Though after that class I’ll realize two things, the first thing is my tea is now at a good temperature to drink. The second thing is I’m much more confident or more than I usually am. I think this class is good for me and so far I’m glad I’m in it. I can already see that I’m improving slightly from it, this past Tuesday I spoke at this spoken word event. I would’ve never done it if it were say two years ago. Confidence is hard to get at but I think through this blog, my class, and my photography page, I’m getting there.
This is to makeup for all the selfcare sundays I have missed this month and last month. At the beginning of last semester I talked to this person, and I thought we would just become friends. That isn’t what happened, I have written a lot about this person and I don’t know if I should be happy about that or not.
I would say I have someone to blame but its really myself. I warned this person from the very beginning that I wasn’t good for them but they wanted to help me, I pushed them away. Though they kept coming back to try and help but I knew I would just use them. I didn’t want to do that since we would see each other around on campus. Time passed and I talked to them again, to try and figure out what we were now. I thought we would go back to being friends or something along those lines. But I went back into the mindset that I could use them. So I dropped them again, I didn’t talk to them and they didn’t talk back. I didn’t want to do this to them, or to anyone for that matter, so I isolated myself. I was scared of seeing them again, I hid in my dorm room and only went out to class. I guarded myself when I went anywhere on campus alone. I didn’t want to see them because they could have talked to me.
During that time though, I was in a dark place in all honesty, I wasn’t taking care of my body like I normally would. I had these unhealthy coping mechanisms that I did not want to go back to so I tried to think of something to distract me. Time passed and I remember crying one night in my friends room, that is when I had my laptop up there so I tried to keep myself busy with writing and Youtube videos. I was thinking of starting a Youtube channel but realized I didn’t like being in front of a camera to talk. Then I thought about starting a blog, then I thought ,how hipster do we want to get? All I knew is I needed something to keep my mind off of them. It’s only a big deal if we make it one right? So I found my old blog and thought why not actually start this up? I did a couple of clicks and had is all set up, now just what do I post about. At first I thought about book reviews but I didn’t read as much as I did in the past. Then I thought about my outfits, until then they were very bland and not fun. I have always loved fashion, I love watching project runway, america’s next top model. So clothes, fashion, my style, my makeup game. I knew this would connect my two passions of fashion and writing, so I took a shot in the dark.
I know this is only the beginning for this blog but I’m going to work to branch outside of my comfort zone. Now I know through this experience that people will not always come back into your life. I know that person will never care for me like they did before. I still see myself as a young person so I still have a lot to learn, literally, I have homework. That aside I just want to thank my beautiful people for sticking with me. I hope the rest of your day is great and I will see you guys soon.
As I wrap up my first semester of college I realized that being alone is okay. Having a room all to myself I have come at peace with this. I only have to worry about myself, my health, and my homework, it’s really nice. I can dance around like a crazy person in front of my mirror. I can redecorate whenever I feel like it, I can change what posters I hang up and where. I can leave for as long as I please without someone breathing down my neck of when I am coming back.
When I go on adventures by myself I don’t have to worry about the other person. I can eat as much as I please when I go out to eat by myself. I stay as long or as short as I please at each place. I can choose to share with people where I am or I don’t
Being alone overall has made me more comfortable with myself. Slowly I am learning to love myself again, I laugh at all my funny snapchat pictures I send to my friends. I laugh when I think of something at a restaurant or in my room alone drinking tea. I smile at myself when I am done putting on my makeup for the day. I hype myself up before I leave my room for class or if I am going out to explore. It’s a good thing I think to love who you right now rather than judging who you were. With all of this said, I hope the rest of your day is great and I will see you soon.
This is going to be a new thing I will be doing on Sundays because I think that self-care is very important.