I don’t think I mentioned this before but I work out pretty regularly about 4-5 times a week. Over time I’ve seen this benefit me and my overall health but at times I was still a mess. Now I’m at this routine where i workout so far every morning this week. I don’t know I guess sometimes working out does make a difference and other times not so much. I know this was short but my mind is somewhere else working on other poems. I hope the rest of your day is great and I will see you guys next week!
So as you all now I have been writing spoken word since late last year but it hasn’t been the same. Recently I’ve been back at it writing short stories about characters based off of who I am or was. I am going to make an effort to write not about me this summer seeing as that usually helped dealing with shit. By shit I mean terrible thoughts of the past and present. I will be posting them to my old Wattpad account when they are done and decently edited by people. I will update it in each blog whenever there is one.
Also I got a ukulele so I will be trying new things with that on my YouTube channel. Like usual keep an eye out and I hope the rest of your day is great.
Recently I’ve been reading a lot and I realized that I missed it. I started reading Emergency Contact by Mary H.K. Choi and so far I am really enjoying it. As this is going out I don’t know how far I am but I may already be finished with it. While i was reading not matter where it was I remembered the joy of reading. How when you read that really good book that you forgot time was a thing. Or when you got in a really comfortable position in a public place but you don’t care about that. On Wednesday I was at the mall because finals is upon my campus and I needed to get away. So I went into Barnes and Noble right? Got this really large amount of tea and I sat down to read. For however long I was there I enjoyed it. I forgot how much you can relate to characters and picture them as friends. (If If you do that too we are automatically friends.)
I could go on and on about this but I have other papers to write and procrastinate. Leave a comment about your favorite book or character and why, I love hearing these so much. Mine currently is the main character of Emergency Contact, her name is Penny. I love how she’s so sarcastic and has a dry sense of humor. She’s awkward beyond belief and is a college freshman like myself. Anyways I hope your day or week was amazing and I will see you guys next Sunday!
So as you all know my therapy session is almost upon us. I am scared out of my comfy tshirts. I made an outline of what to talk about with them and that’s really it. I keep adding things and trying not to overthink about everything that much. These past few days have been a struggle, I’ve procrastinated a paper or three and slept in till almost noon these past few days. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore but it’s hard to switch something off that’s been there for this past month. Again thank you so much for dealing with me and will update next Sunday!
So one of the classes I am taking this semester is improv for non majors, man does that class get me out of my comfort zone every morning. We start with getting our blood pressure up, like warming up before practice or a game. Walking around, stretching, sitting up straight, it feels weird to me. We also do these exercises where we get up in front of the whole class and walk or something. Though after that class I’ll realize two things, the first thing is my tea is now at a good temperature to drink. The second thing is I’m much more confident or more than I usually am. I think this class is good for me and so far I’m glad I’m in it. I can already see that I’m improving slightly from it, this past Tuesday I spoke at this spoken word event. I would’ve never done it if it were say two years ago. Confidence is hard to get at but I think through this blog, my class, and my photography page, I’m getting there.
During winter break I read The Woman in the Photograph by Dana Gynther and it was surprisingly really good. I haven’t read historical fiction in a while this was not what I would expect. I found this in the bargain section of barnes and noble a while ago, it was like seven or eight dollars.
It follows the story of our main female Lee Miller and her journey to become a famous photographer/model/ actress. She goes to Paris in the 1920’s, the prime of swing, jazz music and surrealist. While over there she’s very eager to meet the well known photographer Man Ray. They soon become a couple and dive into the artsy class of that time, going out to dinner every night, meeting a lot of people. It seemed like a good time, Lee got a job working for the vogue there in Paris. Her time was torn between her job and Man Ray, it’s basically like those friends who are in toxic relationships but you don’t want to say anything. This goes on for most of the book, Lee would get into an affair then Man Ray would find out, he would get all mad. Then they would make up and be fine for a little bit, it would go back and forth. It wasn’t until about three fourths of the way, she finally leaves him. From there everything else goes downhill but at the end we know that everyone is okay, they just changed.
Let’s start off with the one who I hated the most, Man Ray. This dude, I had to close the book so many times just to breathe through what he said about women or just anything in general. I got it though, in that time period men were literally like that all the damn time, it made sense. Even today we can still see this mindset which is really scary. Anytime he would use the pity card against Lee just to make her stay I got so mad because he knew it would work. The way they were together at the beginning but from the title I knew they wouldn’t stay together for long. Long though was the whole book but let’s be real I was hooked on it.
Now onto Lee Miller who was my queen the entire time, even though I knew nothing about her. Throughout the whole book we as readers learned a lot about her and why she thought the way she did. I loved how she wanted to be the best but also how she put other women up with her. She went outside of her comfort zone, she loved photography, and she loved herself. Lee had this 21st century vibe that I enjoyed reading, I related to her more than I liked to.
The book overall I give an eight out of ten, just because I thought she would leave Man Ray sooner. Some parts were boring but what are you going to do, it was when Lee was getting her life together, so it was alright. The imagery was phenomenal, one of the reasons why I love historical fiction. Lee was badass, she was smart, beautiful, and wise. This book was really good and I would recommend it to anyone, this book was a good trip.
This is to makeup for all the selfcare sundays I have missed this month and last month. At the beginning of last semester I talked to this person, and I thought we would just become friends. That isn’t what happened, I have written a lot about this person and I don’t know if I should be happy about that or not.
I would say I have someone to blame but its really myself. I warned this person from the very beginning that I wasn’t good for them but they wanted to help me, I pushed them away. Though they kept coming back to try and help but I knew I would just use them. I didn’t want to do that since we would see each other around on campus. Time passed and I talked to them again, to try and figure out what we were now. I thought we would go back to being friends or something along those lines. But I went back into the mindset that I could use them. So I dropped them again, I didn’t talk to them and they didn’t talk back. I didn’t want to do this to them, or to anyone for that matter, so I isolated myself. I was scared of seeing them again, I hid in my dorm room and only went out to class. I guarded myself when I went anywhere on campus alone. I didn’t want to see them because they could have talked to me.
During that time though, I was in a dark place in all honesty, I wasn’t taking care of my body like I normally would. I had these unhealthy coping mechanisms that I did not want to go back to so I tried to think of something to distract me. Time passed and I remember crying one night in my friends room, that is when I had my laptop up there so I tried to keep myself busy with writing and Youtube videos. I was thinking of starting a Youtube channel but realized I didn’t like being in front of a camera to talk. Then I thought about starting a blog, then I thought ,how hipster do we want to get? All I knew is I needed something to keep my mind off of them. It’s only a big deal if we make it one right? So I found my old blog and thought why not actually start this up? I did a couple of clicks and had is all set up, now just what do I post about. At first I thought about book reviews but I didn’t read as much as I did in the past. Then I thought about my outfits, until then they were very bland and not fun. I have always loved fashion, I love watching project runway, america’s next top model. So clothes, fashion, my style, my makeup game. I knew this would connect my two passions of fashion and writing, so I took a shot in the dark.
I know this is only the beginning for this blog but I’m going to work to branch outside of my comfort zone. Now I know through this experience that people will not always come back into your life. I know that person will never care for me like they did before. I still see myself as a young person so I still have a lot to learn, literally, I have homework. That aside I just want to thank my beautiful people for sticking with me. I hope the rest of your day is great and I will see you guys soon.
As I wrap up my first semester of college I realized that being alone is okay. Having a room all to myself I have come at peace with this. I only have to worry about myself, my health, and my homework, it’s really nice. I can dance around like a crazy person in front of my mirror. I can redecorate whenever I feel like it, I can change what posters I hang up and where. I can leave for as long as I please without someone breathing down my neck of when I am coming back.
When I go on adventures by myself I don’t have to worry about the other person. I can eat as much as I please when I go out to eat by myself. I stay as long or as short as I please at each place. I can choose to share with people where I am or I don’t
Being alone overall has made me more comfortable with myself. Slowly I am learning to love myself again, I laugh at all my funny snapchat pictures I send to my friends. I laugh when I think of something at a restaurant or in my room alone drinking tea. I smile at myself when I am done putting on my makeup for the day. I hype myself up before I leave my room for class or if I am going out to explore. It’s a good thing I think to love who you right now rather than judging who you were. With all of this said, I hope the rest of your day is great and I will see you soon.
This is going to be a new thing I will be doing on Sundays because I think that self-care is very important.